Love Dare 13

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Sign this post when you complete this dare and move onto the next day :)

Feel free to post your thoughts/experiences on this dare



Like it or not conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. When you tied the knot, you joined not only your hopes and dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, and emotional baggage. From the moment you unpacked from your honeymoon, you began the real process of unpacking one another, unpleasantly discovering how sinful and selfish each of you could be.

Pretty soon your mate started to slip off your lofty pedestal, and you off of theirs. The forced closeness of marriage began stripping away your public facades, exposing your private problems and secret habits. Welcome to fallen humanity. At the same time storms of life started testing and revealing what you are really made of. Work demands, health issues, in-law arguments, and financial needs flared up in varying degrees adding pressure and heat to the relationship. You argued and fought. You hurt, you experienced conflict. But you are not alone.

Every couple goes through it. It's par for the course. But not every conflict survives it. Today's dare is about dealing with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side. Both of you. Together.

The deepest most heartbreaking damage you will ever do (or have done) in your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That is because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgemental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions. A great marriage on Monday can start driving off the cliff on Tuesday in unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you have your foot on the brakes.

But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self destruct, and that your love for your spouse is more important than whatever you are fighting about. Love helps you install air bags and to set up guardrails in your relationship. It reminds you that conflict can actually be turned around for good. Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a deeper connection.

But how? The wises way is to learn to fight clean by establishing healthy rules of engagement. There are 2 basic types of boundaries. "We" boundaries and "Me" boundaries.

We boundaries are rules you both agree on beforehand, rules that apply during any fight or altercation. And each of you has the right to gently but directly enforce them if they are violated. These could include: 1)never mention divorce

2)we will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past

3)we will never fight in public or in front of children

4)we will call a 'time out' if conflict escalates to a damaging level

5)we will never go to bed angry

6)failure is not an option. Whatever it takes we will work it out.

"Me" boundaries are rules you personally practice on your own. Here are some of the most effective examples:

1) I will listen first before speaking (James 1:19)

2)I will deal with my own issues up-front. (Matthew 7:3)

3)I will speak gently and keep my voice down. (Proverbs 15:1)

Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Love is not a fight, but it always worth fighting for.