Love Dare 13

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Sign this post when you complete this dare and move onto the next day :)

Feel free to post your thoughts/experiences on this dare



Like it or not conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. When you tied the knot, you joined not only your hopes and dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, and emotional baggage. From the moment you unpacked from your honeymoon, you began the real process of unpacking one another, unpleasantly discovering how sinful and selfish each of you could be.

Pretty soon your mate started to slip off your lofty pedestal, and you off of theirs. The forced closeness of marriage began stripping away your public facades, exposing your private problems and secret habits. Welcome to fallen humanity. At the same time storms of life started testing and revealing what you are really made of. Work demands, health issues, in-law arguments, and financial needs flared up in varying degrees adding pressure and heat to the relationship. You argued and fought. You hurt, you experienced conflict. But you are not alone.

Every couple goes through it. It's par for the course. But not every conflict survives it. Today's dare is about dealing with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side. Both of you. Together.

The deepest most heartbreaking damage you will ever do (or have done) in your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That is because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgemental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions. A great marriage on Monday can start driving off the cliff on Tuesday in unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you have your foot on the brakes.

But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self destruct, and that your love for your spouse is more important than whatever you are fighting about. Love helps you install air bags and to set up guardrails in your relationship. It reminds you that conflict can actually be turned around for good. Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a deeper connection.

But how? The wises way is to learn to fight clean by establishing healthy rules of engagement. There are 2 basic types of boundaries. "We" boundaries and "Me" boundaries.

We boundaries are rules you both agree on beforehand, rules that apply during any fight or altercation. And each of you has the right to gently but directly enforce them if they are violated. These could include: 1)never mention divorce

2)we will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past

3)we will never fight in public or in front of children

4)we will call a 'time out' if conflict escalates to a damaging level

5)we will never go to bed angry

6)failure is not an option. Whatever it takes we will work it out.

"Me" boundaries are rules you personally practice on your own. Here are some of the most effective examples:

1) I will listen first before speaking (James 1:19)

2)I will deal with my own issues up-front. (Matthew 7:3)

3)I will speak gently and keep my voice down. (Proverbs 15:1)

Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Love is not a fight, but it always worth fighting for.

Love Dare Day 12 The Truth

The Truth is we didn't fight all day till now. I am slightly holding my tongue. So Love Dare Day 12 done. My friend sent me some special scrapbook paper today and I hadn't had a chance to go through it and put it away properly and sure enough everyone seems to be attacking it when I point it out they are knocking it in the floor they don't pick it up then I put it on the bed so I can put it away and Rick sits right on it. *taking deep breaths* Not to mention I get attitude for just telling him to be careful around the paper.

Generous Spouse Tips for the Day

Guys are in blue Girls are in Pink

April 29, 2009
Jar fund
Filed under: Gifts — Tags: date, sacrifice, save$$ — The Generous Husband @ 1:01 am
Get a large jar and start collecting change for some future gift or vacation. Or, just save for a nice date night.

Bonus: Show her how important she is to you by giving up something you regularly buy and putting the money from that item into the jar.

Whisper something. It can be as simple as "I love you" (or perhaps something a bit more daring), but the whisper will make it more intimate and a little more fun.

The whisper of a pretty girl can be heard furtehr than the roar of a lion. Arabian Proverb.

Love Dare Day 12

Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

If you were asked to name 3 areas where you and your spouse disagree, you'd likely be able to do it. Unfortunately stubbornness comes as a standard feature on both husband and wife models. Defending your rights and opinions is a foundational part of your nature and make-up. It's detrimental though inside a marriage relationship, and it steals away time and productivity. It can also cause great frustration for both of you. Granted being stubborn is not always bad. Some things are worth standing up for and protecting. Our priorities, our morals, and obedience to God should be guarded with every effort. But too often we debate over piddling things, like the color of wall paint or choice of restaurants.

Other times the stakes are much higher. One of you would like more children, the other would not. One wants to vacation with extended family, the other does not. One prefers home-schooling, the other does not. One of you thinks it is time for marriage counseling or to get more involved with church, while the other doesn't.

Though these issues may not pop up every day they do keep resurfacing and do not really go away. You never seem to get any closer to compromise or resolution.

The only way to go beyond stalemates is by finding a word that is the opposite of stubborn-that word is willing. It is an attitude and spirit of cooperation tat should permeate our conversations. All it takes for your present arguments to stop is for one of you to say "I'm willing to go your way on this one." And though the following through may cost you some pride and discomfort, you have made a loving and lasting investment in your marriage.

"Yes but then I will look foolish. I'll lose a fight or lose control." You have already looked foolish by being bullheaded and refusing to listen. You have already lost the fight by making the issue more important than your marriage and your spouse's sense of worth. You have already lost control by saying things that got personal and hurt your mate.

The wise and loving thing is to approach your disagreements with a willingness to not always insist on your own way. Instead of treating your hubby/wife like an enemy or someone to be guarded against, start by treating them as your closest, most honored friend. Give their words full weight.

No you will not always see eye to eye. You are not supossed to be copies of one another. Two people who always share opinions and perspectives won't have any balance or flavor to enhance the relationship. Rather, your differences are for listening to and learning from.

Are you willing to bend to demonstrate your love? Or are you refusing to because of pride? If it does not matter in the long run-especially in eternity-then give up your rights and choose to honor the one you love.


*God really has a funny sense of humor In my opinion, this dare couldn't have come at a better time.

Love Dare Day 11 The Truth

The truth is past two days I haven't been doing my Love Dare as I should. I am not consumed by the spirit anymore. Thats the truth. I did do some chores that I know my husband has been wanting me to get done I just got overwhelmed and haven't done them. No excuses I am just slacking.

Today I am noticing my own temper alot too. Skylar asking fifteen times if she can go play with Maria when I have already given her an answer. Her asking when Rick is coming home. Its I am BORED I am BORED I tell her she can go to her room and stay there till she finds something to do or go play outside. Its not very nice and I am aggrvated. Then Rick comes into the picture and he is clearly in a bad mood but of course being male he won't voice WHAT is wrong so then I am annoyed that he won't communicate and the fact that he is whining like a child. Why doesn't Skylar have her homework done by 6 pm because the Teacher told me to give her a break after school. So I do and then I was doing chores, then we went out for ice cream, then we ate dinner (I know ass backward but we had to do it that way) and then she got to do her homework. She wanted HIM to help her she never likes me to help her... So what was the problem? Ole Cranky pants...
UGH I am trying to control my temper I guess we all have our bad days and my day has been negative since before I woke up.

I am not in the mood to be daring haha.

Love Dare Day 11

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

*This one has a long explanation, but it really touched me a lot, I would encourage everyone to read it! It really hit home for me at least!*



Consider these scenarios.

A man's older car begins having trouble, so he takes it to a mechanic. After an assessment is made, he is told it will need a complete overhaul, which would tax his limited budget. Because of the expenses, he determines to get rid of the car and spend his funds on a new vehicle -seems reasonable right?

Another man, an engineer, accidentally crushes his hand in a piece of equipment. He rushes to the hospital and has it x-rayed, finding that numerous bones are broken. Although frustrated and in pain, he willingly uses his savings to have it doctored and placed in a cast, then gingerly nurses it back to health over the next months. This too probably seems reasonable.

The problem within our culture is that marriage is more often treated like the first scenario. When your relationship experiences difficulty, you are urged to dump your spouse for a 'newer model.' But those who have that view, do not understand the significant bond between a husband and wife. The truth is, marriage is more like the second scenario. You are part of one another. You would never cut off your hand it it was injured, but would pay for the best treatment possible. That's because your hand is priceless to you. It is a part of who you are. So is your mate.

Marriage is a beautiful mystery, joining two lives together as one. This not only happens physically, but emotionally and spiritually. You start off sharing the same house, the same bed, the same last name. Your identities have been joined as one. Somewhere along the line you experience disappointment, and the sobering reality that you married an imperfect person sets in. This however does not change the fact that your spouse is still a part of you.

You must treat your spouse with the same nurture and care that you treat yourself. When you show love to your spouse, you are showing love to yourself as well. It's time to realize your spouse is as much a part of you as your hand, eye, or your heart. He too needs to be cherished and loved. If they have issues causing pain or frustration, you should care for these with the same love and tenderness you would a bodily injury. If they are wounded in some way, you should think of yourself as an instrument that helps bring healing to their life.

In light of this think about how you treat your spouses physical body. Do you cherish it as your own? Do you treat it with respect and tenderness? Do you take pleasure in who they are or do you make them feel foolish or embarrassed? Just as you treasure your eyes, hands and feet, you should treasure your spouse as a priceless gift.

Don't let the culture around you determine the worth of your marriage. To compare it with something that can be discarded or replaced is to dishonor God's purpose for it. That would be like amputating a limb. Instead it should be a picture of love between 2 imperfect people who choose to love each other regardless.

When a husband looks into the eyes of his wife he should remember that 'he who loves his wife loves himself.' And a wife should remember that when she loves him, she is also giving love and honor to herself.

When you look at your mate, you're looking at a part of you. So treat her well. Speak highly of him. Nourish and cherish the love of your life.

Love Dare Day 10 ~ The Truth

I didn't do anything amazing for my hubby today. Just a normal Tuesday for us scurring around to all our appointments as usual. Maybe I won't be so tired or busy tomorrow my first D minus I guess on the Dares.

At Therapy our homework for the week is Rick to check on my dares and see what I have been doing/accomplishing hahaha sneaky Melanie!! My homework is how I have changed and improved my temper and attitude... What is she implying there?

quote

"Tolerance means I treat you with respect even when we totally disagree. You're a child of God. You're worthy of dignity. We may disagree, but we're going to tolerate each other, and even more than that, we can be friends. You're never going to please everybody. I don't need to agree with somebody in order to love them." - Rick Warren

The Generous Husband Tip

If you don’t have enough time together, your relationship is limited - or worse. Too little time together causes us to feel disconnected. Communication becomes difficult, we lose track of what the other likes and does not like, we miss changes in our spouse, and sexual desire is lost (by her if not you).

Because of how God made her, the amount of time she needs to feel connected to you is almost certainly greater than the amount of time you need to feel as connected. If you value your marriage, make time together a top priority. Make whatever changes you must, including reducing the time you spend on other things, or even eliminating some of what you do. Invest time in your marriage and it will improve - fail to invest time and your marriage will suffer.

BTW, I know I mention this regularly - there is a reason for that - it’s important!

www.themarriagebed.com

Love Dare Day 10

Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-Something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash his car, clean the kitchen, buy his favorite dessert, fold the laundry, demonstrate love to him for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.



If someone were to ask you "why do you love your spouse?" what would you say? Most men would mention their wives beauty, her sense of humor, her kindness or inner strength, they might mention her cooking, or what a good mother she is. Women would probably say something about their husbands looks or personality and would commend him for his steadiness.

But what if over the years your spouse stopped being every one of those things. Would you still love them? Based on the answers above, the only logical response would be no.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it is unconditional. The truth is love is not determined by one being loved, but rather than by one choosing to love. This type of love is referred too in the bible as agape. It differs from other types of love which are friendship (phileo) and sexual love (eros). Both friendship and sex have an important part in marriage, but if your total marriage depends on having common interests or enjoying a healthy sex life, than the foundation of your relationship is unstable. These types of love can fluctuate based on feelings, while agape love is selfless and unconditional. Sp unless this type of love forms the foundation of marriage, the wear and tear of time will destroy it.

If a man says "I have fallen out of love with you" he is actually saying "I never loved you unconditionally to begin with." His love was based on feelings or circumstances rather than commitment. That is the result of building a marriage on sexual love or friendship. There must be a stronger foundation than this. Unconditional, agape love will not be swayed by time or circumstance.

That is not to say that love which began with the wrong reasons can not be restored and redeemed. In fact, when you rebuild your marriage with agape as its foundation, then the friendship and romantic aspects become more endearing than ever.

The Love Dare Day 9 The Truth

Very rarely do I greet my husband without enthusiasm I have to be pretty pissed to greet him at the door with an ass chewing. That's just me lol I know how bad it feels to receive and give that.

Love Dare Day 9

Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.



You have covered some serious ground so far in this journey, learning to demonstrate aspects of love like patience, kindness, and encouragement are not always easy, but are crucial to a healthy relationship. So dealing with the way you greet your spouse may seem inconsequential, but this small issue carries surprising significance.
You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship by the way they greet one another. You can see it in their expression and countenance as well as how they speak to each other. It is even more obvious by their physical contact.
How do you greet your friends, coworkers, and neighbors? How about acquaintances and those you meet in public? You may even encounter someone you do not necessarily like, yet still acknowledge them out of courtesy. So if you are this nice and polite to other people, doesn't your spouse deserve the same? Times ten?
It is probably not something you think about often, the first thing you say to him when you wake up in the morning, the look on your face when you get in the car, the energy in your voice when you speak on the telephone. But here is something to consider-the difference it would make in your spouse's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them.
When someone communicated that they are glad to see you, your personal self-worth increases. You feel more important and valued. That's because a good greeting sets the stage for positive and healthy interaction. Like love, it puts wind in your sails.
What kind of greeting would make your mate feel loved and treasured? How could you excite his various senses with a simple word, touch, or tone of voice? A loving greeting can bless your spouse through what they see, hear, and feel.
Think of the opportunities you have to greet each other on a regular basis. When coming through the door, when meeting for lunch, when saying good-night. It doesn't have to be bold and dramatic every time, but adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your mate's heart in subtle, unspoken ways.
Remember love is a choice. So choose to change your greeting. Choose to love!

Love Dare Day 8 ~ The Truth

Rick has been really stressed out taking on some almost all of my duties. Dealing with Army demands, TDY's to Ft Campbell, Pressure to succeed (on himself), Retirement, School, The house in Texas and buying a house here. This prayer couldn't come soon enough.

Mustang Marriage Week 2

"Understanding the Owner's Manual"

1 Corinthians 13: 1-5

1 Instrument Panel (Check the Patience Guage")
2. Safety seat belt usage (kind spouses have secure children)
Nothing gives our kids a greater sense of security than knowing mom and dad love each other.
3. Develop a good relationship with the mechanic.
"Christ is in you, the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27
"The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, paitence, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control." - Galations 5:22

Jesus called the HOly Spirit "the Counselor" (paraclotas) John 14:26

The Closer you are to Jesus, the closer you'll be to your spouse.

4. What to do when your car overheats (Turn off the air and the selfishness).

5. How to change a flat (blow outs and blow ups)

v. 5 "Keeps no record" (logizomai) = an accounting word used to describe a book keeper who enters an item on a ledger.


Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

So Mark our Preacher spoke to us just what my favorite verse means. He said I say this at lots & lots of Weddings, but I never talk about how it applys to current day marriage in Sermons till today. This was the bible verse that was supposed to be read at our Wedding but as many people know the Preacher that did our ceremony forgot the first half of the ceremony. Rick and I in our nervousness or whatever totally missed that he forgot... Only James figured it out (the one who DOESN'T and HASN'T Gone to regular church services... haha. So I always say its our vow we say to each other. How little did I know that I didn't follow the vows as much as I thought.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. What its saying love is Paitent in order to have unconditional true love it is paitent (using Patient as a verb).

Defintion of Patient Its used as an Adjective in the english language but Greek's used it as a Verb. The verse in the Bible meaning its a description of what love is... Love is Patient... In order to have love you must be patient. In order to have love you must be kind. Then it goes into the negatives that you must not possess in order to have love. You cannot envy, boast, be proud, rude, selfish or easily angered (aka being Patient you cannot be easily angered) in order to enjoy love. Mark says you fall out of trees not out of love. You cannot wait for the feelings to show themselves to you. You have to make the commitment be faithful and try for the commitment and the commandments of love will be there.

So there are a few points I need to pray about and work on. Outside of Love Dare...I don't know about you but I want the maxium mileage out of my Mustang and I want to hear Varooom not Squeak...

http://www.willowbrook.org/

Generous Wife & Husband Tip

Sunday April 26, 2009


Pray for your husband's level of busyness. There are always so many things to do. Pray that he would be able to look at his priorities, simplify his life, and keep his life at a reasonable pace.

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. Hans Hofmann

April 26, 2009
Watch over me and thee…
Filed under: Shared walk — Tags: prayer — The Generous Husband @ 1:01 am
Pray for the Lord to protect your wife while you are apart, and especially while she is “out in the world.” And let her KNOW that you pray for her safety on a regular basis


http://www.themarriagebed.com/

Love Dare Day 8

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he recently enjoyed.


Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man.

Do you struggle with being jealous of others? Your friend is more popular so you feel hatred towards her, or your coworker gets a promotion so you can not sleep at night? They may have done nothing wrong, but you feel bitter because of their success.

Jealousy is a common struggle, sparked when someone else upstages you and gets something you want. If you are not careful jealousy slithers like a viper into your heart and strikes your motivations and relationships. If you do not diffuse your anger by learning to love others, you may eventually being plotting against them.

You do not usually get jealous of disconnected strangers. The ones you are usually tempted to be jealous of are primarily in the same arena with you. They work with you, play in your league, run in your circles......or live in your house.

When you were married you were given the role of becoming your spouse's biggest cheerleader and the captain of his fan club. Both of you became one and were to share in the enjoyment of the other.

Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in. It leads you to celebrate the successes of your spouse rather than resenting them. A loving wife does not compare her weaknesses to his strengths. She throws a celebration, not a pity party.

It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart. It's time to let your mate's success draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

Love Dare Day 7~ The Truth

I wrote short lists. For some reason a whole lot didn't come to mind on either list I guess thats a good thing. His positives I find very endearing and his faults well I find are irritating honestly LOL some of them are just my pet peeves too. Nothing on the lists would make me say WHY Did I marry him? I love him and I don't regret marrying him for a second.

As for me trying to keep up with previous days... I was trying to continue to practice days 1-6 even on Day 7 and so on. But we had a long day out at the park he was preparing dinner and Skylar accidently spilled her spaghetti. I had a dirty towel within reach so I cleaned up the mess with a dirty towel and he snapped at me for using a dirty towel instead of a paper towel and I did snap back.

I will be blogging about our day out at the park on the main blog :) www.armyknightslady.blogspot.com

Love Dare Day 6 ~ The Truth

I wish I would have done this from the begining of the blog and seperated my Dares from their result or their Truth's...

Day Six nothing much to report. I had a GOOD day and it was pretty uneventful... Rick (I asked for his assistance with this one) couldn't make heads or tails of it. I guess it will come up maybe on a later date.

Today

I finally wasn't awake all night LOL. I woke up at midnight (normal pregnancy potty time) then I woke up again at 4 am. I threw up and my hip was throbbing. So I laid in bed while Rick got ready for formation. I just laid on my heating pad and tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I finally fell asleep and woke up at 5:33 panic'd about Rick not being at formation (he was already gone lol) Then I was mad because I need sleep and I knew my alarm would go off at 6 am. Normal 6 am schedule is to get Skylar's clothes out for school then get her out of bed, fed her, dress her, make sure I can send her into public without DFACS being called or embarrassing myself (it wouldn't embarrass her or Rick in the least lol) Between being sick and in pain while Rick is on no PT profile he has been able to help me with her she is a slow goose in the morning. Then either I have time with Rick but this morning I laid on the heating pad and eventually went back to sleep woke up very very sweaty yuck! So I think I will take it easy if I can today.

I apparently inspired a friend of mine that lives locally to also do it. We both thought it would be an interesting idea if we had a parenting love dare... I was wondering if I can get some help coming up with daily dares that possibly fit all ages of our children (or not) and see if we can do our own little parenting love dare?

Love Dare Day 7

For today's dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having that characteristic.


There are 2 rooms in the private corners of your heart. One of these is the Appreciation Room. In this room the walls are covered with words and phrases that describe the good attributes of your mate. They include things like "honest", "intelligent", or "diligent worker." When you think about these things your appreciation for your spouse increases. Most of the things in the Appreciation room were most likely written in the beginning stages of your relationship, when you spent a good amount of time dwelling in this room. You could summarize all of the things you liked and respected about your loved one. But you may find you do not visit this room as often as you once did.

In another corner of your heart lies the Depreciation room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. On the walls are written things that bother or irritate you about your spouse. Emotional injuries fester here, adding more scathing remarks to the walls. It is where ammunition is kept for the next big fight and bitterness spreads like a disease. People fall out of love here.

Spending time in the depreciation room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted in this room. The more time spent in this room, the more your heart devalues your spouse.

Everyone fails and has areas where they need growth. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage. This is a sad aspect of being human.

Love knows about the depreciation room and does not live in denial that it exists. BUT love chooses not to live there.

Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. And when our worst hopes are proven true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward. As much as possible, love focuses on the positive.

It is time to move to the appreciation room. Settle down and make it your home! As you mediate on the positives, you will learn that many more positive characteristics could be written on the walls. Your spouse is a living, breathing, endless book to be read. Dreams and hopes have yet to be realized. Talents and abilities may be discovered like hidden treasures. But the choice to explore them starts with a decision by YOU.

You must develop the habit of reigning in your negative thoughts and focus on the positive attributes of your mate. This is a crucial step as you lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision you make, whether they deserve it or not.